The Way of God vs the Way of Self:
This post is about selfishness and how it has hindered me in my walk with Christ.
Today, I have been given some understanding in prayer that has enabled me to comprehend a huge problem that has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. I want to describe the struggle to you because it might benefit you in your walk with the Lord.
It has occurred to me, intermittently during my life, that I live a small life. That I deliberately keep blinders on, or something like that, because I have much fear of being overwhelmed by the vastness of what I perceive as a fear-filled world that lies beyond the walls of my little bubble. I am apparently afraid of failure and other factors that remain unknown to me. But simultaneously, I have engaged the world on certain fronts. On those fronts, I have been compelled to fight against injustices…to leave my bubble of self-protection and comfort and to venture out into the fray.
I hope that I can help you to understand my major points by sharing one such struggle below; and then by expounding upon that, creating a bridge to the goal of my post.
I worked with violent juvenile offenders for 22 years. During that time, I perpetually fought against the evil that manifested itself via selfishness, violence, maliciousness, etc., in the emotional, physical and spiritual spheres of everyone in that environment. I was frequently crushed by it and in time I noticed that I cycled between apathy and hope; and at least twice a year, was overwhelmed such that I had some kind of emotional tirade with supervisory personnel; such that I was embarrassed by my display.
All around me, I noticed treatment staff that were apparently stuck in apathy and cynicism, hopelessness, discouragement, etc. And the more I thought about this cycle, the more confused I became about just how it was that I ever came to any hope. As there was no reason I ought to have arrived there. Why? Because all the efforts of the staff who actually cared to make a difference and desperately sought to do so, were frustrated and came to nought. Year after year, the violence, the hatred, the maliciousness continued on every level. On occasion, we would experience a very brief time of peace and harmony; but when I felt it, I began to be filled with dread because I knew that a new wave of evil could explode into the present moment at any time via one of the many tributaries that fed it.
Even though I kept cycling back to hope, and at those times, would have new energy with which to fight against that wave of evil, the struggle wore me down and took a huge toll on my health. I finally retired to settle the estate of my third divorce and afterwards began experiencing one health problem after another….
It was only after I was born again that I was able to put the above struggle into, what I believed to be the correct perspective.
As a front-line counselor, I had to wade into the midst of all the conflicts that arose in an effort to resolve them. And some of the conflicts were so ugly, violent and hate-filled that I absolutely dreaded to enter into them. Not to mention that it seemed like the most foolish notion to think that a resolution was possible. Yet, I had to attempt conflict resolution. And many times, to my great amazement, the most loving interactions emerged from the ashes of all that hatred, violence and maliciousness. I was always puzzled when that happened and could never make sense of those transformations. But I attributed them to my skills (I laugh about that now, and ask God to forgive me for such prideful thoughts). Not that I entirely believed that I could do such things, but I could conceive of no other explanation. That is, not until I was born again. Thereafter, in remembering those most ugly experiences, I knew that God’s Spirit was the only Person who could do such a thing; I had experienced His power in my conversion. So, in realizing that, my confusion about how those work-place transformations occurred dissipated.
However, that knowledge lay dormant, in my mind regarding all the other such struggles that were raging in my life. Until recently, I saw very few parallels; and until today, the unifying element remained obscured.
What are the parallels? The constant failure in contending with the GIANT wave of evil; the ubiquitousness of the wave; my cycling between hope and apathy; my attempting to deal with it in my own strength.
Where do I encounter this unstoppable wave of evil? In my relationships with family, friends, acquaintances; at the church; the work place; in watching the evening news…it is ubiquitous, not only in the nation’s capital, or the inner city, it is seen on the international stage; that is, the world is being crushed by it.
I used to think that it was only a recent phenomenon, that the world had become worse since my childhood…. Today, I realize that since I was born again, my awareness of the evil has been growing. My awareness of my constant failure to right anything about it; my awareness of my constant failures in my contention with it; just like the failures / frustrations of my former job.
What is this GIANT evil wave? Sin.
In my own life, I facilitate it, I add to its strength via my selfishness. And the Lord has enabled me to see that all of my sinful ways derive from my selfishness. That is to say, that all sin falls under the categorical heading of selfishness. That my selfishness is my rebellion, my refusal to pick up my cross, DENY MYSELF, and to follow Christ. My selfishness is also apparent in my double-minded, half-hearted ways of walking with Him and having selfish interests simultaneously: not that one can do such a thing. However, in my own mind, I attempt it: “Mat 6:21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be; Mat 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”
Today, I awoke feeling helpless, powerless, hopeless and purposeless. I felt crushed and apathetic, like I used to feel at my former job. As I prayed to God to be able to contend with the necessary struggles of my life, He opened my eyes to the source of the problem. It is SIN. The world is full of it. It is like a huge wave of darkness obviously crushing many. And those who think they are benefitting from it have made a covenant with death which will be their end in a little while.
It is a darkness that is only dispelled if the Lord is near. If I am abiding in Him, then He is there. If I am being selfish, then He is not.
As I said above, I am double-minded still and even when I am in His word, church, etc., I am not completely committed to Him; so my experience of His light never seems to continue as long as I desire it would; nor can it be of an intensity that a fully committed Christian would experience. Therefore, my selfishness is great self-harm.
Moreover, I have been asking Him to enable me to see some disadvantages to my selfishness (instead of all those perceived benefits that so quickly spring into my awareness when I contemplate surrendering to Him); and the advantages of learning to love Him more. And what I realized during prayer was just that, an answer to those prayers. But more than that, I saw clearly that I cannot walk with Him in my own strength; nor can I do the work He has ordained for me in my own strength. And I will remain in my own strength as long as I am not surrendered to Him; as long as I remain uncommitted to Him and committed to myself.
One last thing became more apparent to me, that sin is a dreadful thing that only the Lord’s strength can prevail against. It crushes all else.
Psa 119:17 Gimel Be good to Your servant, that I may live and obey Your word.
Psa 119:18 Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in Your instructions.
Psa 119:19 I am only a foreigner in the land. Don’t hide Your commands from me!
Psa 119:25 Daleth I lie in the dust; revive me by Your word.
Psa 119:28 I weep with sorrow; encourage me by Your word.
Psa 119:29 Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing Your instructions.
Psa 119:30 I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by Your regulations.
Psa 119:34 Give me understanding and I will obey Your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart.
Psa 119:35 Make me walk along the path of Your commands, for that is where my happiness is found.
[I do not believe sin is a force, but that it is perpetuated because mankind fell into sin in the garden, we are born sinners; and Satan’s world system fosters it. It is not a mindless force as in that star movie from the last century.]