I am presently in my late 60s and don’t claim to have never gossiped about another. I grew up in a family wherein I learned to displace my feelings; I apparently learned numerous passive-aggressive coping skills in reaction to home and school, e.g. — lying, scheming, gossiping, fighting, etc.
More than that, when I entered the first grade in public school, I was often beaten by a more aggressive peer. Until, I became a bully myself, in fourth grade. I realize now that I was forced into becoming aggressive for self-protection. That went on until I was 16 — 17, when I began to see its inappropriateness and desired to develop better coping skills.
Since becoming a Christian 15 years ago, I have sought more diligently to express myself in a biblically appropriate manner. Yet, I still see emotional violence (defined below) in my own interactions and in those of the people around me.
IN WHAT ARENAS DO THESE KINDS OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE FRAYS OCCUR?
I spent close to 50 years working a dozen different jobs. However, not until I was in my early 30s did I learn how to identify and articulate concepts like, “pecking orders,” “scapegoats,” ” passive-aggressive behaviors,” and so on. Afterwards, I could look back at all of my social interactions, workplace interactions…and identify “negative leaders,” “delinquent leaders,” “perpetrators,” “positive leaders,” “victims,” “scapegoats,” and so on.
Dictionary.com defines “pecking order” as follows:
- Animal Behavior. a dominance hierarchy, seen especially in domestic poultry, that is maintained by one bird pecking another of lower status.
- a sequence or hierarchy of authority in an organization or social group.
Jas 2:3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well,
Jas 3:15 For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic.
Jas 4:2 You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.
When I became a Christian, I thought I’d be entering an arena wherein the emotional violence associated with dominance hierarchies was unlikely to be present; unfortunately, these dynamics and roles exist in a church setting too. Apparently, there are pecking orders, social hierarchies, everywhere?
I was very troubled to discover that. But, looking back on my childhood experience of Christianity, I realize that these types of things caused me to turn away from Christianity when I was sufficiently old to choose –mostly, I felt put down by the “holier-than-thou” behavior, exhibited by those adults who considered themselves to be at the top of the pecking order in Christian circles I had been part of in my youth.
I now know that this sort of emotional violence is not Christ’s fault. That He disapproves of the aforementioned sorts of conduct and interactions. They are sinful. Yet, I have seen them in the four churches I have attended.
We are humans, born in sin. We have learned sinful ways and it takes time to unlearn them (by grace).
But if one is ever to unlearn such destructive coping skills as gossiping, then he must identify these negative skills and acknowledge that he uses them to the harm of others and for the exaltation of himself. He must see that his conduct is wrong, sinful; that he is harming another, and so on.
Acknowledging these things, and repenting are foundational to becoming a better Christian. God’s Spirit convicts us of such poor behaviors (sin) that we might repent and seek His help / grace to change them.
One cannot pretend to be holy and via his pretentiousness, unlearn such patterns of behavior as are discussed above. If that is your strategy, then you will continue to exhibit malicious behaviors in a covert manner (whether you realize it or not): passive-aggression is covert aggression; not done to the face of another, but behind his back; motivated by cowardice, jealousy, envy, hatred…. Furthermore, by taking such a course of action, you will only be deceiving yourself!
God, knows everything we all do; such passive-aggressive, malicious behaviors do not go unnoticed by Him, or even by knowledgeable observers.
SOLUTIONS:
Honesty in self-talk and prayer. God knows all, why play games or pretend to be holy when you are not; no Christian will be until glorification. That is, we are all works in progress (of sanctification); therefore, exalting yourself (in your own mind or in real interactions) is denying that you are a sinner among sinners who are struggling to learn the Lord’s ways; seeking His forgiveness and grace….
Owning malicious behaviors, apologizing / repenting to those one has harmed with his words; confessing malicious thoughts to God…these things cannot be done if one remains in willful denial to protect his pride, his own mental image of himself.
Owning such sin is necessary for your own growth in sanctification. One cannot grow in grace by doing what the Pharisee did in Luke 18:11:
“The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank You, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else. For I don’t cheat, I don’t sin, and I don’t commit adultery. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!”
The Pharisee was in denial about his own sins; and / or he defined sin differently than the God of the universe does in His word.
He also clearly believed that he had made himself righteous, the Bible makes clear that no one is righteous; no one can make himself righteous; righteousness comes via faith, receiving the merit of Christ’s righteous life and His atoning work.
Jesus said that the Pharisee was not justified; one must be justified, made righteous by God, to be saved from God’s wrath against sin. In other words, because the Pharisee was wrongly trusting in his own efforts to be righteous, he lost his soul.
STRATEGIES:
Be a dead-ender in the communication circuit when you hear gossip, don’t pass it forward, let it stop with you.
Or better yet, refuse to listen, walk away, interrupt the speaker…. But if you do hear gossip, listen for or actively seek out alternative perspectives while refusing to pass along the malicious morsels; meanwhile working to keep from forming any opinions based on those dirty, malicious reports.
Ask the gossip monger if they have sought out other sources of information and discuss the folly of relying on a single source for anything.
(I remember that when I was in college, my initial research writing professor required at least a dozen sources for each topic he assigned the class. At the time, I thought that was an unreasonable request; but as I wrote more papers for the various classes, over a 5 year period, I realized that considering numerous sources before writing on a topic was a very reasonable and necessary thing to do. I would say that it is even more important to consider numerous sources when it comes to another person’s reputation, unless you want to be guilty of murder, as in Matthew 5: 21ff)
TURN TO GOD’S WORD:
Mat 7:12 “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.
Psa 130:3 LORD, if You kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive?
Psa 130:4 But You offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear You.
(Ask God’s help to see your sins and to repent of them. His word states that we are sinners: read Romans 3; psalm 14; the prophets, 1 John…. I have heard many great preachers state that as they matured in their faith, they saw their sins more clearly and hated them more vehemently — they likely were also less sinful than when they were converted.)
…Have mercy on me, O God, because of Your unfailing love. Because of Your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Psa 51:2 Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.
Psa 51:3 For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.
Psa 51:17 The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
(Those words were penned by King David who was a prophet of sorts in that he wrote many psalms too. If he could fall into such heinous sin, how can any of us think we are above falling?)
Mat 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
The following 18 minute sermon excerpt of Mat. 5:7 indicates that when one gossips, slanders…he lacks mercy:
Mat 5:37 Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.‘ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.
Mat 5:39 But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.
Mat 5:44 But I say, love your enemies! [Bless those who curse you. Do good to those who hate you.] Pray for those who persecute you! Mat 5:45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For He gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good, and He sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.
Mat 5:46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much.
SUMMARY THOUGHTS:
When we are victims of gossip, slander, back-biting…God is giving us an opportunity to learn His ways; to see His wisdom and value it; to have faith and do what He commands instead of reacting to our own hurt feelings…to long for heaven wherein these things will not occur….
In the process, we also get to see clearly that our ways are futile, ineffective, sinful….
Moreover, when we see that we are helpless sinners; who often do what we do not want to do; who cannot reform our own ways without divine intervention via prayer and God’s grace, then we honor God and our pride is put in check; remember, God hates pride. Why shouldn’t He, He is the Lord of the universe! Should He not detest little worms who pridefully strut about in His presence?