From the YouTube site: Heidi Priebe
Link to video page: https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1/videos
The following video is being posted to provide information that might help Christians learn what intimacy looks like. I’m not suggesting that psychology has answers to the big questions for Christians, but I believe the video might give a Christian insight into his / her behavior regarding things that are keeping them from experiencing greater intimacy with God, themselves and the important people in their lives.
I linked a post wherein the great theologian Jonathan Edwards journaled about how he dealt with his feelings and how he saw that inner work as foundational work in obtaining greater self-understanding, and subsequently, greater gratitude for God’s mercy…. That could be achieved by exploring feelings, when strong feelings alerted one to an internal problem. That was done with the intention of discovering thoughts and feelings that generated feelings….
Additionally, in the Institutes of the Christian Religion, by John Calvin, he wrote, early on, that self-knowledge is necessary to rightly know God (paraphrased from memory).
The following video offers tools that can lead go greater self-understanding.
From the YouTube site: Heidi Priebe
HIGHLIGHTS [bracketed statements, underscoring and emboldening are mine]:
- Heidi introduced the topic by saying she had previously feared having intimate relationships and discussed some of the things that generally keep people fearing intimacy even if they want it
- Her definition of intimacy: the act of being present with another person in their undefended state, and allowing that person to be present with you in your undefended state
- In other words, being known in as much as it is possible to be known by another human being
- That is, you are not pretending not to care; pretending to be someone else; trying to escape or protect yourself in another way; but letting the other person see who you are, the good and the ugly
- [Regarding who you choose to open up to, discernment must be used; she gets into that near the end of this video]
- The following tool can help you evaluate what level of intimacy you are relating on in a given interaction:
- Level 1: the INFORMATION level; wherein you relate to another via sharing information that is divorced from emotions… (explanations given)
- Level 2: PERSONAL, wherein some subjective feelings are communicated along with the information…
- Level 3: RELATIONAL, an interaction with another wherein you share thoughts and feelings related to information and to your current state of being… (examples given)
- Genuine intimacy is built when two people relate on this level
- Being on that level requires one to be vulnerable, and most don’t stay there long…
- Heidi explained how people wrongly combine levels 1 and 3; for example if you and your spouse are in conflict, vulnerability will be more difficult; at such times people might take steps 2 and 3 and try to make them informational…
- A tool to help one to get to level 3 interactions, she explained, is curiosity; curiosity that stems from an undefended space in ourselves
- [To do that, you would have to be interacting without the use of defense mechanisms: blaming, rationalizing, minimizing, seeking escape…]
- [As a Christian, I think that a better concept than curiosity would be to desire to ‘speak the truth in love;’ or to ‘do unto them as you would have them do unto you;’ or ‘to honor God with loving transparency…’]
- Fostering relational curiosity requires the following:
- A) being in an undefended state with another
- B) being present with another in their undefended state
- C) discerning when it is safe to be in such a state with another [I personally think that it would be best to have tested the person beforehand, such that you believe they are capable of being a confidant without taking your vulnerability and using it against you]
- D) having self-protective and self-care skills (she has videos on all the things she discusses herein, as far as I can tell; I’ve only just begun to explore her site)
- E) knowing how to establish boundaries if you determine the other person is not sufficiently safe to be vulnerable with
- She talked some about either you or the other having had fantasies that will be exposed and undermined by your communications… [I listened to two of her videos on ‘limerence’ which cover this topic. I had never heard limerence before; listening to those moved me to begin exploring her site. I will link one of them because these videos are very useful in acquiring greater self-understanding and vulnerability in relationship]
- Her hypothesis about why more people are seemingly not moved to get to the relational level of interacting is that the emphasis of social media in our culture is about portraying a desired image to others such that they are impressed… rather than being vulnerable
- When one is engaged in impressing another, there is fear about vulnerability – as the perceived real self is being hidden
- That is, the big concern in the above scenario, is one’s self-image; how they are being perceived; manipulating others to perceive them in the way they want to be perceived…
- In the above, one has internal fears about thoughts, feelings…, they perceive to be shameful
- Fear of feeling shame, closes doors to deeper interactions = blocks intimacy
- In our day, this is a large-scale social issue
- It keeps one from focusing on being present and vulnerable with others [lack of vulnerability results in one feeling more alone in this world, so if one hates loneliness, then finding a way to get to level 3 type relating would seem to be very important]
- She spoke of the above in terms of a thread on Twitter, wherein the question was asked, Why do men ask so few questions on dates?
- She talked about the more advanced state of learning to remain present with others, once one has some skill at being on level 3
- This is a process, future videos will examine these things [this video is 3 months old]
- She began discussing attachment types in terms of their relevance to this topic: anxious; avoidant; secure; and fearful, are, for example, types of attachment discussed by her in this linked video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMUN9M9H3U4
- Of the 4 types of attachment mentioned above, secure attachment type would be more inclined to experiment with vulnerability in relationship
Link to Heidi Priebe’s video page:
https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1/videos
Link to 3 videos on LIMERENCE:
https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1/search?query=limerance
Link to Jonathan Edwards post on self-examination beginning with current weighty feelings:
Narrative and link that accompanied the above video at YouTube:
69,580 views May 30, 2023
Authentic Relating’s 3 Levels of Conversation: https://authenticrelating.co/blog/201…